Bush: Protecting America From Gay Peoples’ Genitals

CNN Article

So yeah, Bush is going to try to explicitly outlaw gay marriages. This move is a response to the numerous studies that have found that little kids with parents having the similar genitals turn into Satanic ritual killers. Clearly, a family’s success is based on parental genital distribution, and Bush doesn’t want any pinko funny business to threaten the sanctity of that.

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For My Friend Brent

Now that we have all agreed to get along about that arduous Nigerian uranium issue, I think now is a fantastic time to collectively revisit an old friend - The Foremen’s classic ditty “Ain’t No Liberal”. I believe the story with our discovery of this song was that Dave won a CD from some website a long time ago, and it turned out to be a sort of barbershop quartet-deal that made fun of conservatives, which was coincidental because Dave was really starting to get into barbershop-quartets-making-fun-of-conservatives music at the time.

It’s the sort of thing that we usually hate, but darn-it-all, it’s just so catchy.

The Foremen - Ain’t No Liberal

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Fields of Salt (and Oil)

How much did the Roman Empire actually spend to salt Carthage’s fields? According to this enjoyable read, around $150 billion.

Hell, the US can have troops in Iraq until 2007 or so and not meet that number, and we’re a far larger country in terms of real production than the Romans ever were, so even that’s an unfair comparison. I’m glad we all live in this century and country, where vengeance is comparitively cheap.

[via the muted horn]

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Recycling, Sort Of

Anytime anyone pulls out the tired old “[dogs|cats]’ mouths are cleaner than human mouths” bromide, send ‘em to this piece of cinematic genius:

the_snack.wmv (2.55 MB)

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Bob Hope Dead at 100

CNN Article.

I suppose I should at least mention this since I was a dick about Bob Hope turning 100 two months ago. It’s not really my intention to make a further mockery of the man here, since he was probably very nice. That said, if I hear any references to him as “America’s Funnyman” or something, I’m going to beat someone with a mackerel.

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In my defense….

While Jefe has portrayed me as a “bully” and “mean”, I would like to point out that I am the one who took the face-hugger infested office. Yes folks, Jefe is nice and safe in his room, being protected by ODB, while I am in constant fear for my life.

Of course, my office is bigger.
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Back To What’s Really Important

It occurred to me a couple of days ago that, holy crow, my birthday is, like, a week away (it will be big #24, so ladies, I’m still legal. rrrrRRROOOOWWRRR…). I’m pleased to report that I really can’t think of a whole lot of stuff that I want, so it looks like everybody is pretty much off the hook this year. As usual, I just want everybody to be together.

Nonetheless, if anybody wants to buy me a CD or a Segway or something because you think I’m all great, feel free to peruse my cool Amazon wishlist, recently updated for two-thousand-trey, yo.

And, hey — thanks. No, no, thank you…

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30 lbs in 30 days? Ask me how!

It’s things like this that make America great.

If you are vomit-phobic, you may want to breeze by the Cool Hand Luke section.

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Bodies of Uday and Qusay “Touched Up” By US

Washington Post article via Drudge Report.

People aren’t sure whther to trust the US when we say we killed the Wonder Twins, yadda, yadda, yadda.

None if that should come as a particular surprise to anybody, but I just wanted to draw attention to my favorite line in the article:

A spokesman for the U.S.-led administration said no one had so far come forward to claim the bodies of the fugitives for burial. He said: “If any of their family members want to come forward, we’d be delighted to speak to them.”

Man, we’re dicks. That’s pretty funny.

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Man Survives Severed Head

“It’s only a flesh wound!”

There are alot of interesting stories on this website.

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…so you got a Dr. Pepper, did you??

For this, Jeff is to don the Intern Crown of Disgrace.

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Uday and Qusay Hussein Dead, Maybe

CNN article.

Of course, these things need to be taken with a grain of salt since we apparently killed the elder Hussein 7 or 8 times over the course of that recent skirmish in Iraq.

Update! Nope, now CNN says they’re just dead.

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Life As A Temp

I’m been working as a temp at Qualcomm for several weeks now. During that time there have been a number of bad things that have happened to me at the hand of my officemate Kristy, who is a bully. Kristy says I have to upload all these pictures of bad things happening to me or she will flush my head in a toilet.

She’s not kidding.

During my first week, I spilled coffee on myself. Really, it’s coffee. Otherwise, how would it have gotten on my shirt? Ha, ha.
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I Got A New Shirt

We had a very eventful weekend, which involved going to the John Mayer concert, getting Radiohead tickets, Phet going to the comic-con (without me, since I have a day job), and my slaving over hot websites (without Phet, since she has better things to do). Ptthhhbbbbttt.

That said, one of the high points of my weekend involved the shirt that Phet bought me at the comic-con on Thursday (after I whined to her like a little girl that I just had to have it).

Before I explain what this all means, please take a moment to check out the shirt design. The cool thing about it is that it looks like a normal “I like robots” anime-nerd shirt, but it references one of the most obscene ideas I’ve ever seen. Really, quite lovely.
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More Decisive Action by the French

Goodbye “e-mail,” the French government says, and hello “courriel” - the term that linguistically sensitive France is now using to refer to electronic mail in official documents.

[kansascity.com, via the muted horn]

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Nitpicking on George W. Bush

George W. Bush got elected on a platform of restoring honor and integrity to the oval office. Well, that and the help of Supreme Court justices appointed by his father, but that argument’s already been had, so we’ll set it aside for now. When he was out stumping, he kept bringing up the fact that he’s just a plainspoken man who believes in telling the truth.

Well, his plainspoken words are often lies, and while he trots them out regularly, it appears he’s finally getting called on one of them.
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Creation Geeks

via The Daily Rotten

“Dear Lord, please allow the bacteria in Group A to unlock the antibiotic-resistant genes that You saw fit to give them at the time of Creation. Amen.”

I don’t know why creationists need their own science fair. Surely such groundbreaking projects as Women Were Designed For Homemaking and Rocks Can’t Evolve, Where Did They Come From Mr. Darwin? would have fared well in the Westinghouse/Intel competition?

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OOO

This isn’t as momentus as Pease Jay’s last informational broadcast, but I’ll be driving up to NorCal tomorrow. I’ll be back on either Saturday or Sunday. If for some reason you need to reach me I should be at my bp address and have my cell phone on me.

If you have nothing to do on Saturday night, pick up a ticket to go see Spoon. Maybe you can carpool with Pease Jay.

Be good to each other.

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Hunting For Bambi

Men with paintball guns hunting naked women.

How could this be anything but fun??

“The main goal is to be as true to nature as possible. I don’t go deer hunting and see a deer with a football helmet on so I don’t want to see one on my girl either”

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Homestar Runner

I’ve been seeing Homestar Runner pop up in a lot of weblogs and emails lately, so I thought I’d point jesush readers in that direction.

It’s very popular, though for the life of me I can’t understand why.

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An Afternoon At Sea

We spent the afternoon cruising around San Diego Bay in a coolio America’s Cup yacht (Stars & Stripes, the one from ‘95 with the really big sail). Yes, we are so cool.

Pictured: Us, so cool.
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The Sad, Sad Tale of Mary the Elephant

Article.

I just had a delightful phone conversation with Brent, and he mentioned something about an elephant that had been hanged for killing some guy in 1916. He was pretty sure that there was a picture of the hanging on the internet.

This is, to quote my brother, the darnedest thing I’ve ever seen.

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Marriage Tends To Kill Genius

abc.net article via Slashdot.

Take it, genius!

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Stupid Playstation 2

In September, Deb got me a great birthday present–a Playstation 2. I had spent the occasional odd evening hanging out at Pease Jay’s place, and we pretty much played Twisted Metal: Black to death. Other than that, though, I hadn’t gotten familiar with much PS2 material.

I’ve been in school and at work pretty much nonstop over the last year, so as it turned out I didn’t really have time to play any video games for about eight months after getting the PS2. Mine sat in the spare bedroom in its box, and later in our entertainment center, but it was probably used about five times from September 2002 to June 2003.
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What Is The Matrix?

And in it, do they play ping-pong? [via the muted horn]

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Engage!

I’m not sure that JesusH is really the best place to announce this, but what the hey: last night, I asked Phet to marry me and she responded by saying yes. Today, I noticed that the sky was somehow bluer, the birds sang a little sweeter, and the workday was a little shorter. Wonder of wonders, why didn’t I do this years ago?

I waited a bit to post on this because I wanted the news to have a chance to percolate through a very small circle of close friends and relatives who would probably die of shock if they heard it here first. For everyone just hearing this for the first time, I’ve prepared a small FAQ (below) to explain what’s going on.
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Music Reviews

Over the last month, I’ve bought three CDs. That wouldn’t normally be big news, but that’s about how many I bought over the past three years. In chronological order: Elephant, by the White Stripes, Hail to the Thief, by Radiohead, and Whatever the name of the Audioslave CD is, by Audioslave.
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US Places $25 Million Bounty On Saddam Hussein

CNN Article.

General One: Gentlemen, if you please, this meeting of the Joint Chiefs will now come to order. Topping the agenda is the matter of Saddam Hussein, who continues to elude our highly trained sniper-ninja Delta forces. I’m afraid there is considerable pressure on this one from the President, and the general consensus upstairs is that the combined might of the US military has exhausted it’s usefulness. Thus, we have no choice but to exercise option Bravo.

Intern (temp): [gasp] You mean…

General One: That’s right. We’re out…. and we’re sending in “The Dog”.

General Two: [shaking head] May God have mercy on Hussein’s soul. The poor, poor bastard…

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Washington to Develop More Zippy Weapons

Guardian article, via Drudge Report.

In a move designed to strike terror into the hearts of terrorists everywhere as well as make France feel even more globally impotent (Bonus!), the US has announced plans for some sort of supersonic space drone missile deal that can blow the bejeezus out of any target on Earth without our needing to ask to borrow other nations’ bases. Sweet and double sweet.

Hopefully, this move will eventually allow us to get rid of our diplomats once and for all and empower us to avoid all contact with those savage, unreasonable foreigners.

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